Wednesday, July 26, 2006

New Document Explains "Against the Secret Mission"

Torgo analyzed the effect of being called "against the mission" as a phrase below, but didn't really analyze the content. It's telling in many ways, because it means there is a mission to the school that isn't advertised. So, as usual with the speaker of the comment, one can parse what is said, and find the missing word that makes it all make sense. In this case, the missing word is "secret."

In no way could anyone be against the public mission statement of the Ave Maria School of Law. So, that's obviously not what was meant when it was rumored that the Dean allegedly said certain people are "against the mission." Although, as pointed out below, that's what is hoped to be understood by the listener. Against the mission is meant to convey "against all that is moral and good."

Maybe there's another law school, and that hypothetical law school is the one people are against.

Maybe there's a secret law school within the public law school and people are against that mission.

Maybe mission refers to a charitable attempt to aid tomato farmers in southwest Florida.

In reality, if someone can believe those words "againt the mission" while uttering them, they must believe the mission of the secret law school encompasses statements not advertised. Torgo can only surmise what those statements are from the usage of the phrase. But surmise no more, because a loyal whichavemaria reader has sent Torgo the answer.

Torgo was handed a copy of a copy of a copy of a memo below. Note the secret headings and control language.

NEW DOUBLE SECRET MISSION STATEMENT
DOUBLY CONFIDENTIAL

INSTRUCTIONS
*** 1. this document not for public consumption ***
*** 2. anyone against this mission is to be immediately put on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION ***
*** 3. anyone on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION is not allowed ordinary cost of living increases ***
*** 4. anyone against this mission is not Catholic and against God and the Pope ***
*** 5. no one wearing denim pants may read this document because they are all on TRIPLE SECRET PROBATION. ***
*** 6. tell no one the content of this document because they might be wearing blue jeans, woman pants, or worse, women in denim pants. ***
*** 7. all persons purporting to adhere to this mission must wear clothing consistent with Thomas Monaghan's rules of attire or they are per se against the mission. ***

CONTENT
Mission the first, this school is now an arm of real estate development.
Mission the second, this school abides all whims of its founder-donor, even if it means closing down and restarting.
Mission the third, this school is a part of a Catholic town concept, but don't tell anyone.
Mission the fourth, this school may or may not stick to its original means because new ends may justify new means.
Mission the fifth, interpret all Holy Church documents to be consistent with these missions.

HEREINAFTER, insert public mission statement interpreted only in so far as it can be consistent with DOUBLE SECRET mission objectives.

So, after Torgo read that copy of a copy of a copy of that document, it becomes clear that indeed, many of us are "against the mission." Against the SECRET mission.

Now, Torgo must go hide in a cave for disseminating this copy of a copy of a copy of this secret document before the DOUBLE SECRET agents find him and make him buy an $11,000 wardrobe.

3 Comments:

At 3:23 PM, July 26, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If a blogger blogs in the woods and there's no one around to read it...

 
At 3:58 PM, July 26, 2006, Anonymous Percy said...

...then there's no one there to heclke him.

 
At 4:27 PM, July 26, 2006, Blogger Boko Fittleworth said...

This of course reminds me of Dean Wormer, which in turn reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes back to college (one of the all-time greats). Homer just assumes that the Dean is his natural enemy. Thus, even thought the friendly young Dean is always up for some hackey sack and used to play bass for the Pretenders, Homer refers to him as "that crusty old dean." Perhaps Homer got it right; maybe we should have just assumed the dean was our enemy (instead of having to find out the hard way).

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home